Thursday, March 27, 2008
Esther says i'm er xin coz i only blog like once a month? ha. but i'm not. i'm just plain lazy and too busy to even do it.
oh wells.
anyway, glad you had a smashing wonderful time during your birthday party!
as i've said before and now i'm saying it again. uni is suffocating. i'm piled up with work right up to my neck and i can barely breathe. I'm missing out on my sleep and worse of all, i feel miserable and pathetic. but just a little update, it helps that lucky me got the attachment with Singapore Academy of Law.
But the bad thing is i don't know if they accepted me coz there was no other choice since lincoln didn't want to do his PA there or they wanted to accept me initially but due to me not being able to commit they now have to compromise with me having to do PA for 9 weeks. sigh. I mean if i know they didn't want me as an intern then I don't thinkI would have agreed to go back there to work. Seems desperate too. And if they really didn't choose me over lincoln in the first place, I think I will be better valued elsewhere as an intern.
But seems that the wheels of fate had something in store for me to have me gotten back this PA. but what the wheels of fate never quite told me was the thigns i had to sacrifice for this stupid internship.
firstly to MY DEAREST ROOMIE,
SORRY GIRL!!!
because of my PA and my committment of going to Shanghai for OCIP, i have to forgo going for OEC which she painstakingly organised.
i know how disaapointed you must have been.
i know how much you wanted to me go.
i know how it sucks that your boyfriend cannot go coz he has FYP and now your bestie, the person whom you thought you would be able to count on can't go too.
but believe me, i really had planned to go.
my exams end on the 2nd of May. now I've to start my internship on the 5th of May. which kinda really sucks. (will be elaborated upon later)
so roomie, do think of me when you are there. and how i really really wish to be there but really I am here, stuck in the office located at city hall. don't be too sad k? i'm really really sorry.
next on, i've a presentation tomorrow which i really hope goes well and that i will be able to gain an A for this report. but it seems kinda hard coz with the group i have, i'm not sure how well a report i can get. I have this free-rider who really does not come for meetings at all and does the minimal work that she can. I think it's really unfair that there are such leeches in this world.
and what's more, I absolutely am hateful of the fact that they always like to throw back the work to me. like even after the job is split up and done, I have to be the one that compiles everything and send it to everyone again.
Even after the editing, I'm still the one stuck with the report! I am really getting fed up with them and it made me realise that for certain things in life, you can only trust yourself. Well, watch out for the PEER EVALUATION man. I'm usually very nice, but sorry, you guys have toed the line.
It was really damn stressful doing this damn project with them coz i never knew when they could be trusted. They all looked to me for assuming the leadership role and expects me to do everything for them. Then who may i ask, do i look to??! I couldn't even find someone in the group who knew exactly what was going on and start a discussion on certain stuff about the project.
it was scary to know that the decisions you made might not be right and leads you no where! yet there isn't anyone there to look out for your mistakes or cover your back or even tell you what should be done. I HATED the fact that I did almost the whole report and most of the work involved throughtout the sem.
It got worse when I couldn't get the 8 weeks PA i wanted and i was super stressed up in finding a PA for my internship. I couldn't remember how many resumes i have sent but i could count the number of replies I have recieved. which was virtually none. It got worse when Jasmine and terence both got theirs and I didn't and I didn't want to be left behind.
And then as always, it didn't matter how long i've been in uni and when a new term starts. I'm always feeling very stifled and suffocated here. there were times when i would imagine things and sink into utter desperation and depression that i would constantly think of home and the protective shelter it always offered me. I would often relish the feeling of being loved and showered with care of concern by my parents by them coming to my room whilst i was studying and asking me to take a break or have some hot tea.
The pressure here was mounting and constantly on the threat of bursting. there were many a times where i suffered in silence and it felt really weird to just talk to someone. i guess my roomie would know that there were times when i was really stressed up with my projects and work. I'm thankful that she has so far been so good, occassionally stealing my food here and there, but nevertheless being accomodating to me and sometimes my horrid mood swings.
It also didn't help that I've had my menses for close to a month now and i wonder how much i can bleed.
there were times when i really felt like totally quitting school and leaving behind all that i've worked so hard for. there were times when i totally felt terribly miserable and i wondered what my existence on this earth was. but there were times when i thought of my parents and the hopes they had and the disappointment they might have, and that kinda gave me the strength to pull on. but because of that i often wondered if i was living for myself or living for them? i used to be this happy-go-lucky girl. but i'm not what i used to be.
in fact, i didn't even know when or how i became the state i am now, and how much i have changed. all i know is that i'm trying to get out of it, and find the real me back.
there are also times where i truly and really wondered if terence really understands me at all. he sees me as this small immature young thing that really deserves to be slapped and taught a lesson about life. i often wonder why is it that he always gets upset with me when i seriously do not think i'm in the wrong. coz i have always believed that for every action that you do, you will have a rationale behind it. it's not that you will always be right, but if it is a decision you have made for YOURSELF, THEN YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.
coz there's really no one you can blame when things don't go the way you expect them to. but even if you don't agree with my rationale, you can only ADVISE and RESPECT the wishes of the other party at the very least. it's the kind of dignity and respect that i feel we human beings in general owe each other at the very least.
but yet at times, I feel i have not attained the kind of maturity that terence has and i feel that maybe i've lost much of myself in trying what he expects of me. have i? at times i really wonder what is it in the first place of me that he is attracted to and whether i have lost it.
sometimes i feel he doesn't puts himself inmy point of view, or takes into account how i might have felt, but inside, he is one who sees the whole picture from an overall view instead. It's just like how he sees the big picture, but me? i'm only focusing on the emotional side of it.
he may be feeling stressed. but individuals have different levels of stress tolerance. i may seem like someone who cannot take hardships or stress, but i disagree. there's a limit to how much someone can absorb, and maybe i've starting absorbing the stress and pressure since year 1? i may have broken down and cried hell lots of times, but it doesn't mean once i've done that everything is alright. it is only a momentarily relief which doesn't totally eradicate the root source of it, and i sure as hell wish i could get of uni life.
but i'm still thankful and grateful that through all the horrible sides of life, he is still nice and caring towards me. but i guess this is a side that i will only get to see when he cools down. coz i totally cannot get anythign across him when he is mad or angry with me, and sometimes it leaves me feeling rather afraid of him. afraid to tell him how i feel or the thoughts in my mind, coz once he disagrees with them or htink they are stupid, i confirm plus chop guarantee and stamp, that he will most of the time argue with me. then he gets angry and mad. haiz. sometimes a girl just wants to be heard.
but at least through the ups and downs of life, it really makes me feel better to have such a support. and there are also times when he can be really sweet and nice, and i find myself so lucky.
of course not forgetting my roomie and my friends. i feel so lonely in school coz i don't exactly have a clique. and i'm just so sick and tired of making new friends anymore. if they want to be friends with me, then they should just come up to me and be my friend.
in all people!
it has been a long post. and this contains one of my innermost thoughts and feelings. please no sympathy or any other kind remarks or sms to me when you read this. it is not needed. i will grit my teeth and endure the remaining stupid years of uni and conquer that degree. mind over body mined over body mind over body mind over body.
lots of love tricia!
jia you!
